Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?

My friendship with Jeni, I wouldn't trade it for the world.  Things are pretty good for me right now, there is nothing I can complain about. ^_^

Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Yes, I have a few times.... When I was younger the thought of giving up was a big thing on my mind.  I have always pushed myself to see how far I could really go and learned  a lot from it.  I ran a razor blade over my arm at the highlight of my downward spiral starting from when I was nine years old.  I couldn't do it.  I don't have a self destruct jean in me I guess.  I asked my mom how many Advil I would have to take to OD. This was after the razor blade. She thought i was going to kill myself and I was put on watch and put in Archway a youth correction place.  I never said anything about the razor blade, I just said I wasn't going to kill myself, just wondering.  I couldn't say anything about the razor.....

Death is the easy, Life is what's hard...........

Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

My Mommy, and even if i'm afraid I move forward.  Only looking back to remember.  I think things through, then acting when most beneficial. 

Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs.

1.  Drunken Butterfly, By Sonic Youth  I'm Jenis drunken butterfly. Well at least I was.  lol

2.  Disturbia, By Rihanna  This is the only song I really remember from my 10 day drinking spree.  Kinda weird but really describes the drinking.

3.  Circus, By Britney Spears  "All eyes on me, in the center of the ring, just like a circus"

4.  Raise Your Glass, P!NK  This song always makes me smile, be yourself and pary!

5.  One Step at a Time, Jordan Sparks  I Just really like this song. ^_^

6.  Coin Operated Boy, By The Dresden Dolls  Just a fun song, lol

7.  All for You, Janet Jackson This song made my step-dad crazy

8.  The Spice Girls, Wannabe An other song to make him crazy, your 9 year old singing "If you wannabe my lover, you gotta get with my friends.........." haahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There are a few more but I can't remember what they are, lol  So this playlist is about me. <3

Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.

I'm still a live and kicking so, nothing yet. I have time unless I die soon then i don't know lol.  Still need to travel, seeing the world ^_^

Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

There is nothing I wish I hadn't done in my life.  If/when I do anything, I think it through and learn from what doesn't work out.  Changing things would change who I am and who I have met.  In my mind that is not worth it.

Day 21: Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Go to see her! I would hope we had thing worked out before not letting the cook for an hour.  But even if we didn't I would still go and see her.  I don't know if I could live with myself knowing anything happen and I couldn't try to make it right.

Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Drugs- Many things are called "Drugs", keep the green and do away with all this fake stuff. lol Be responsible, it doesn't take much. 

Alcohol- I would have to say the same, be responsible. 

Finding the right words for this........... not working lol

Pot heads are too lazy to commit a crime, well most. +_+

Never be afraid to ask for help if you have a problem with either.  The people who are around you and love you will always be there.  Even if you hate them for helping, later you won't as much lol

Day 19: What do you think of religion?

There might be something out there.......... I believe in faith.  When it comes down to it every religion is faith.  Having something to believe in when time are good or bad, that something that gets you through the day.  I have prayed a lot in my life and had to just have faith in myself.

Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.

Who are we to say, who someone can and can not fall in love with and someday marry?  There is too much shit these days for a paper that says you are married.  Let get married and do what they  want to to be happy.

Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

I don't know that I have read a book that has changed my views on something.  I have read a lot of books that I like but most books are fictional so...., yeah. lol, Speak has to be my favorite book though.

Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.

I could live with out the snow.  It's very pretty but I don't do well in the cold.  As for someone, there are a lot of people I could do without.   But then I would be bored, lol  We learn from the people and things around us, so without them we would be just like the stupid people we could do without...

Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without.

I couldn't live without my make-up, clothes, hair stuff, anything beauty wise lol.  I couldn't live without my mom and Jeni.  I would be very sad if I didn't have these two.  My mom will always have a dear place in my heart I miss being able to see her whenever I want to. Jeni is a sister to me, she has been my family and her family has been my family.  I have gotten to know them well and love them dearly. 

Day 14: A hero that has let you down.

Damn that Super Man!!!  lol, just kidding .....

My hero has not let me down.  I have a few heroes, one of them is my mommy.  She she went through hell with me.  Finding the courage to leave and not back down.  She took my little sister and I to a shelter.   We spent Thanksgiving in the shelter. My grandma drove from Ogden, UT to New Mexico to get us that week because our van had broken down.  The only money we had was, I think $50 that the one of the police officers had given us, But  she didn't turn back, she went on till she knew we were safe.

Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days.

P!nk  She has some good music if you listen to it.  Sending out a good message not look how slutty I can get.  Over all a real person.  Bad day, guy trouble, self image, hate/love, is only a few things she singes about, so yeah great at helping in good or bad times.

Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.

um, I really can't think of anything.  Day 11 summed it up lol  Maybe I'm just drawing a blank.......

Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

That I'm beautiful.

I'm a vain person, lol  I just like pretty things.  Don't you? xP  lol  Well anyways..... this is kinda hard lol  not sure how to justify myself without sounding like a total Bitch, haha  So... we can leave it at that for now.  most of you know how I am about that. haha have to be ready: Dressed, hair done, make-up on.  lol I do get lazy though.  It might be getting tired too but oh well HAHAHA! ^,..,^

Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

I would have to say no one.  Letting people go is easy for me to do.  I have only had one person in my life that I really had a hard time getting over.  As for someone I wish I didn't know, I grow and learn from everyone I meet. So to wish I didn't would be boring for one thing and a mistake.

Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

I would have to say my dear friend Kelby.  I have been missing him a lot.  We became friends during a really bad time at Gay pride.  Helped each other through a bad time and had a great 10 days drinking. lol  he is one of the kindest people I know. I miss his witty attitude and high class taste as well. 

Miss you tons!

Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like poopy.

Hmmm, well this list is not as short as I would have hoped.  I have had many people who have made my life hell or "poopy"

My birth father Lee Barela, just making my life hell.

Jenn and Aggie Rhoades, These two people are a something else.  I have known them for 9 years, called them family, gone to them when I needed help, confided in them,  and trusted them. They turned on me for no reason, stabbed me in my back from the beginning. They used the fact that I was broken for their own selfish needs. This tango has gone  on for 9 years. I have been there for their worst and when they really had no one because they played games with everyone and lost.  If you are of no use to them, they will start treating you like shit and mind fucking you till it is your fault.  once you are broken once more they bring you back in to start all over.  after our last falling out  I found out that they were talking shit from the start with me.  used me to get where they wanted and when I made a new friend they turned on her, made her the devil and exiled her for nothing other then being a threat in their eyes.  I do have to say that Jenn Rhoades is the body behind all the hate, money schemes, underage drinking, and mature talk around miners.  Aggie is a puppet in her life. 

Ron Lucero and Wendy Farnsworth, I have known them just as long as Jenn and Aggie.  They have told me for as long as I remember, if I ever needed anything to let them know.  9 years and I never asked them for a thing.  The day I needed something their door was shut.  I had two days to find a new place to live and pack, I only needed a place to stay for one night. I guess this was too much to ask of them after 9 years.  Michelle, a great friend of mine was my savior! I stayed one night at her house with her great husband Andy and I was gone and moved into my new place the next day.  Thank you to them again! To this day neither Ron or Wendy have called to see how I am or if I made it ok.

Nicholas Willits, made me feel like  shit and fucked me in the end because I couldn't love him in the same way he loved me.  We lived together for 5 years and it all ended in flames. No word from him either.

These are a few of many, I could be here all day but I really don't feel like it.

If your name is here, Please don't comment. Your input is not needed and all you will do is make things worse for yourselves.  Do as you wish but don't play with fire unless you want to get burned, right?

Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for.

I would have to say my best friend Jeni.  She has been there for me through thick or thin.  We met in cosmo and have been together ever since.  Even if we didn't talk much for one reason or an other, we were sill close.  I really can't say how glad I am to have her in my life. I was supper sad for a longtime without her and would do anything to help her.  Jeni is the first person I was able to get  close to and know she wasn't judging me.  She will always have a special place in my heart, as does her family.

Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.

Out live everyone I love.

Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.

I want to travel and see the world.  I really  don't ask for much lol  take my Bestie with me and run away! ^,.,^

Someday I want a family, baby, ect lol  even if  I have to do it on my own.  Who needs a man anyways xP

Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.

Lee Barela,

I forgive you for my first memory of you beating my mom in front  of my one year old sister and myself.

I forgive you for taking my innocence.

I forgive you for giving me something  to cry about.

I forgive  you for showing me what hell on earth is, running for my life,  if I ever let you catch me what would have stopped you from killing me that time.

I forgive you for almost breaking my wrist, beating me with a broken chair leg, chasing me down with a bullwhip and bailing twine.  Having to lie for you, just so I wouldn't make you mad.



I may forgive you but I will never forget no matter how much I wish  I could.

You will never know me, that is a blessing all on it's own.

Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Forgiving myself......... Is it a bad thing that  I can go through my life never thinking about this question?

I have to forgive myself for trying too hard to make something work that was meant to be doomed from the beginning.  Conning myself into thinking that I could keep a friend who was in love with me when I was not in love with them.  Blaming myself for how things turned out, being angry at him for how he burned me in the end. Deep down I knew it wasn't going to work, my fault, my bad.

So, I'm still working through this and everyday gets easier.

Forgiving yourself is the hardest sometimes...

Day 2: Something you love about yourself.

I love the fact that I can get through whatever this world wants to offer. It hasn't been all that great and I have struggled, but I'm truly Blessed to have the people in my life that I do.  Without them I would be a sad monkey....  So, my ability to take what is coming to me head on, help my friends who are always there and keeping a level head most of the time.

Day 1: Something I don't like about myself

This is a hard one for me....  I can go through shit in my head like I'm opening files  in a file cabinet.

I try too hard to fit in and be "normal" (whatever normal is)  Not wanting to stand out.  All I do is push myself out there more when I do this.   Striving to be perfect when perfection is attainable.

30 days of truth

 Ok so Im going to try and do this we will see how it goes.

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself.
Day 2: Something you love about yourself.
Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like poopy.
Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days.
Day 14: A hero that has let you down.
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without.
Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19: What do you think of religion?
Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21: Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs.
Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30: A letter to yourself.